Divorce represents one of the most challenging experiences families face, and children often bear the emotional weight of their parents’ separation in ways that aren’t immediately obvious. As a parent navigating divorce in New York, understanding how to support your children through this transition is just as important as understanding your legal rights. The decisions you make today about how you communicate, co-parent, and prioritize your children’s emotional needs will shape their ability to adjust and thrive both during and after your divorce.
Recognizing Emotional Distress in Children During Divorce
Children process divorce differently depending on their developmental stage, and recognizing the warning signs of emotional struggle is the first step toward providing appropriate support. The behavioral changes you observe will vary significantly based on your child’s age and personality.
Younger children often display their distress through regression or clinginess. You might notice your little one becoming quieter than usual, seeking more physical comfort, or demonstrating reluctance to separate from you. These behaviors signal that your child is processing significant anxiety about the changes happening in their family structure.
Teenagers, on the other hand, typically express emotional turmoil through withdrawal and anger. If your teenager is spending more time isolated in their room than usual, snapping at you unexpectedly, or displaying uncharacteristic irritability, these are visible signs that they’re struggling with the divorce. While some moodiness is normal during adolescence, marked changes in behavior patterns warrant attention and intervention.
The key is recognizing shifts from your child’s baseline behavior. Every child has a unique personality and typical emotional range, so you’re looking for departures from what’s normal for your specific child rather than comparing them to general standards.
How to Tell Your Children About Your Divorce
The conversation about divorce requires thoughtful planning, sensitivity, and age-appropriate honesty. How much information you share depends on your children’s ages and their ability to process complex emotional situations.
The most important element of breaking the news is presenting a united front with your spouse whenever possible. Both parents sitting down together with the children creates a sense of security and demonstrates that, despite the changes coming, you’re both committed to parenting as a team. Making this joint conversation a priority sets the tone for your co-parenting relationship and shows your children that they remain your shared focus.
Approach the conversation slowly and gently. Your children will likely experience a range of intense emotions—confusion, anger, sadness, fear—and you need to create a safe space for them to express these feelings without judgment. Don’t be surprised if they react with anger or storm away from the discussion. These reactions are normal and healthy expressions of their distress.
One critical misconception parents have is thinking this conversation happens once. In reality, telling your children about divorce is the beginning of an ongoing dialogue that continues throughout the entire divorce process. Your children will have questions as they process the information, as circumstances change, and as they encounter new situations that make them think about the divorce in different ways. Staying open and emotionally available for these conversations is essential.
Be prepared for the full gamut of emotions from your children, and understand that their feelings may shift day by day or even hour by hour. One moment, they might seem accepting, and the next, they might be devastated. This emotional volatility is a natural part of processing major life changes.
The Importance of Encouraging Your Child’s Relationship With the Other Parent
One of the most difficult aspects of divorce involves managing your personal feelings about your ex-spouse while prioritizing your child’s needs. You might be angry, hurt, or even feel betrayed by your former partner, but your child’s relationship with their other parent must take precedence over these emotions.
Actively promoting and encouraging your child’s relationship with their other parent isn’t just good parenting practice—it’s legally essential in New York custody cases. Family courts closely evaluate each parent’s willingness to foster the child’s relationship with the other parent when making custody determinations. Judges recognize that children benefit from maintaining strong connections with both parents, and they view a parent’s inability or unwillingness to support this relationship as a serious concern.
Speaking negatively about your ex-spouse in front of your children or actively discouraging their relationship can affect you badly in court. The court will not see you as someone who encourages the relationship between your child and their other parent, and this perception can significantly impact your custody arrangement. Parental alienation—the deliberate undermining of a child’s relationship with the other parent—is taken very seriously by New York family courts and can result in reduced custody time or modifications to your parenting plan.
Remember that your child’s needs are the priority, not how you feel about the other parent. Your child needs their mom and their dad, regardless of the problems that ended your marriage. Supporting that relationship, even when it’s difficult, demonstrates maturity and puts your child’s emotional well-being first.
Should Your Children Attend Therapy During Divorce?
The question of whether children should see a therapist during their parents’ divorce depends on several factors, but for most families, therapy offers significant benefits. Even children who seem to be handling the divorce well can benefit from professional support.
If you and your spouse are managing to get along, share parenting responsibilities cooperatively, and actively encourage the relationship from both sides, your child might not strictly need therapy. However, most children will still benefit from having a neutral third party to talk with about their feelings. Therapy provides your child with someone who isn’t their mom or their dad—someone who doesn’t have an emotional stake in the divorce and can offer objective support.
A qualified therapist gives children tools and insights on how to grow through the divorce process rather than simply surviving it. Children often hide their true feelings from their parents to protect them or avoid making the situation worse. With a therapist, they can express the full range of their emotions—anger at both parents, guilt about feeling relieved, confusion about loyalty, or sadness about their changing family—without worrying about hurting anyone’s feelings.
The decision ultimately depends on your specific child and how the divorce is affecting them. Watch for the behavioral warning signs discussed earlier, and consider your child’s temperament, the level of conflict in your divorce, and any major changes they’re facing (like moving homes or changing schools). When in doubt, consultation with a child psychologist can help you determine whether therapy would benefit your particular situation.
Supporting Your Family Through Divorce
Protecting your children during divorce requires conscious effort, emotional maturity, and often professional guidance. From recognizing early signs of distress to maintaining open communication, encouraging relationships with both parents, and providing therapeutic support, every decision you make should center on your children’s emotional well-being and long-term adjustment.
Navigating divorce while prioritizing your children’s needs can feel overwhelming, but you don’t have to face these challenges alone. Understanding both the emotional and legal aspects of protecting your children during this transition is essential for making informed decisions that serve your family’s best interests.
If you have questions about how to parent your child during divorce or need guidance on custody matters that prioritize your children’s wellbeing, The Sklavos Law Group, PC is here to help. Our team understands the complexities New York families face during divorce and can provide the legal support you need while keeping your children’s best interests at the center of every decision.